If you're ever down on your luck, or down on your finances, I highly recommend purchasing a box of these bitches right here. I realize the photo is backwards; for this I apologize. I have zero graphics editing capability, but I'm willing to imagine that you get the fucking idea.
Unlike risking it by ordering from your local Chinese takeout or delivery establishment, a box of La Choy guarantees satisfaction. I'm here to tell you that they are efficient. They battle hunger and bad moods at the same time, as the cookie part is, well, a fucking cookie, and the fortunes are overwhelmingly optimistic.
I still trust them, however, because they swirl largely around the original three tenets of fortune-telling from ancient China: wealth, travel, and wealth-fueled travel. Because fortune-telling is a delicate art, it's important to eat the entire box, like I just did, in order to get the clearest picture of your future.
Here's what I learned:
"You income will increase."
This is great news, assuming they meant "Your income will increase." If they really meant it the way they spelled it, well, then I just don't know what to make of it.
"You will lead a rich and successful life."
Boosh! Clarification. Clearly, my financial standings are on the upswing. Let's do this.
"Grant yourself a wish this year, only you can do it."
I'm pretty sure that needed a semicolon, but that's nitpicking. The cookie is right; only I can grant myself a wish. Maybe this is the year I finally visit Europe. Or fuck Grady Sizemore. Thank you for lighting the way, La Choy!
"You will find good luck when you go home."
See what I'm talking about? Does my future rock, or what? Eh? And this one's right, too. I'm already home, and I've got kickass fortune cookies. Also, vodka is here.
"No need to worry! You will always have everything that you need."
I wish I knew how to quit you.
"Be on the lookout for coming events. They cast their shadows beforehand!"
Translation: if I look for what happens in the future, I will be able to know what happens in the future. Side note: if, in the future, mankind discovers time travel, I'm coming back to rape myself at this exact moment. Okay, future-me didn't appear. I hereby predict that we never figure that out. Or that my memory is just awful.
"Soon life will become more interesting."
Considering that "May you live in interesting times" is technically an archaic Chinese curse, I am hereby worried about my relationship with La Choy.
"Opportunity is knocking at your front door."
And we're back. La Choy knows my bedroom preferences; I trust La Choy again. But what is this strange opportunity?!
"A friend will bring you a big surprise soon."
I am glad I am not a woman, especially at this moment, as this could surely have been a reference to the pregnancy-related interruption of one's menstrual cycle. But the most recent dong-check came back positive; I can probably just take this prediction straight-up. But which friend will it be?!
"A gathering of friends brings you lots of luck this evening."
Unless I don't have to be present for this one to pan out, I'd better go hang out with the roommates tonight, because really, who am I to defy the fates?
"Soon you will be sitting on top of the world."
Well, looks like success of all kinds is imminent if not unavoidable.
I feel closer to buying my own island. But in the much more immediate future, clearly there should be some grocery shopping.